Negotiation, the part where we’re responsible together

Negotiation, the part where we’re responsible together

In negotiation, I do my best to speak clearly; I tell you what I’m thinking, and ask for I want. “I would really like you to beat me until I cry, please; I need a really good, ugly cry. And when I’m crying, I'm open to push on the soft limits or whatever else you're interested in, whether it’s to keep on beating or to get sensual, or to get out the sharps. Once I’m crying, I’m in subspace already.”

I can tell you want I’m unsure about. “I’m a bit nervous about those clamps on my testicles; maybe try them just on the scrotum or thighs first… Oh, ok. I like that! Oh fuck; that’s gonna be fun.” I can account for my hard limits, “No ‘mom’ stuff. I will freak out.” And my soft limits, “Soft touches are a stretch; if it’s going well and you want to give a little torture, a soft touch will do more than stingy to elicit an aversive response. Just please don’t lead with it.”

We are responsible for ensuring that you have the information you need to control the scene. We are responsible for our communication. I have information, I know things that I need to impart to you about myself.

In negotiation, I know myself. In scene, like my wimpy doppleganger John Snow, I know nothing. I just am.

In Scene, the part where you’re responsible for me (and on my behalf)
In scene, I am in pain. I am humiliated. I am crying. I am broken. I am excited. I am servile. I am yours.

I don’t know that I am any of this. I just am. I am the uncovered nerve, overwhelmed with the feelings you choose to elicit or inflict. I am vulnerable and sensitive; I am laid bare physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

You torture me.
You tease me.
You use me.

As you should. I’m yours.

I have given myself to you; for that time, I belong to you. Often bound or restrained; often gagged. If not physically, then psychologically; bound my desire to serve, to please, to submit. My pursuit of that, in that moment, may be unconditional.

But I have given myself to you conditionally.

You need to remember the conditions. I can’t. I forgot them as soon as you closed the collar, dug your fingernails into my back. When I felt your breath on my neck and ear, your flogger drop on my back, your cane on my ass, or the tip of your boot against my scrotum, my cognitive power fell away.

After the scene, when I return to myself and my responsibility returns to me

Often, in a scene, I feel violated. (Occasionally, that may be the point of the scene… perhaps more than occasionally.) As I process such scenes, I am often inclined to wonder, do I feel that way because of the content of the scene? Do I feel that way because my consent was in some way violated?

The former is subjective. The latter is not.

If we have negotiated well (and, by "well," I mean “well enough that it was advisable for us to have an intense scene together”) then the boundaries of that scene ought to have been clear enough that I can definitively answer the latter. I can say what boundary was violated, why it was set forth in negotiation, etc. “We didn’t negotiate any penetration.” Now that I am in control of myself again, I remember the conditions; I remember that I mentioned that I liked pegging and didn’t list it as a limit for the scene.

I tend to articulate a set of hard and soft limits, as well as a set of interests for the scene, with the understanding that the interests are not the entire scope of the scene. Depending on my relationship with the top, depending on the level of knowledge and trust, I may be inclined to be fairly open-ended about the content of the scene.

Often, especially if the scene is going to be substantial, I’ve made a point of negotiating by private message, or something where there’ll be a record so we can talk about any regions of the scene that might have been too vague. We can improve negotiation in the future, if there's interest in doing another scene together, or clarify misunderstandings.

The purpose isn't to blame; the purpose has to be understanding, in good faith. I trust you with myself; you trust me to be as honest as possible in the surrounding moments.

Not every submissive is analytical about their approach to negotiation; this analyticity, I suspect, is a useful eccentricity I have, in kink and vanilla life.

But even if consent hasn’t been violated, even if the scene was executed perfectly within the negotiated boundaries, I may feel violated.

I reserve the right to feel things even when the sources of those feelings aren't clear to me.

Perhaps this was a feature of the scene we negotiated as totally acceptable and a mutual interest, but is hitting me harder than I anticipated. There was play rape involved (consensual non-consent, as we like to say), and I really, deep down, didn’t want it in that moment; I didn’t like it.

I have a responsibility to tell you; not other people, but you. You have a responsibility to help me sort through that, to feel whole again, to come down from the high of the scene in a way that isn’t going to leave me feeling crushed under the oceanic emotional volume of that experience.

This might go beyond the period usually allotted for emotional aftercare; often it occurs a day or so afterwards, when the high is gone and the drop sets in more fully.

I’ve rambled quite a bit here; but hopefully offered some insight. We need to communicate better about responsibility and consent. This was my attempt to speak to you.

''hair_of_the_dog''

 

@Madeleine Rk

θα ήθελες να δώσεις το link εκτός από τον συγγραφέα;

 

Είναι γραφόμενα ενός χρήστη απο το ***, να παραθέσω το λινκ, είναι απαραίτητο;

 

Νομίζω έχουμε προηγούμενα με παραθέσεις χρηστών ***, θα έλεγα πως ναι, να παραθέσεις το link, είναι απαραίτητο  

 

Consent, my view from the bottom