What the fuck is consent?

Consent.

Informed Consent between two or more adults prior to a scene – and what it becomes when you try to/successfully re-negotiate mid scene with someone who does not have the 'perceived' power in the exchange. (New submissives/bottoms/rope bunnies/masochists etc, you need to remember that you do have the right to call Yellow/Amber or Red within a scene to protect yourself and your well being. You have the right to end a scene and that is NOT a failure)

What the fuck is consent?

Consent is when someone gives you verbal or written permission to do/say or not do/say certain things to them.

A scene is an act between two or more parties that may or may not involve sexual activity, within the scope of kink. (I am speaking about a scene that is in a BDSM context)

Negotiation is when two or more parties agree to certain acts or acts to occurred between them, this sets the limits and boundaries as well as what can and will be included for a scene.

Consent to a scene is when two or more parties give permission for a particular act, or acts, to happen within a time frame that may or may not involve sexual activity.

So what’s the problem?

People forget. There are new people always coming into the community and are just learning, submissive minded people don’t know that they have a voice and are entitled to use it, when they need to express themselves and for their own safety. Consent seems to have some myths around it that need to be dispelled.

Are you new? Then please read this!

You are entitled to speak up in the negotiation phase. And actually, ALL of the time about a scene you are partaking in.

If you DO NOT want something to happen in the scene, SPEAK up and make it clear
Make sure you can trust the Dominant/Top/Rigger/Sadist etc, that you are engaging with. If you aren’t sure, ASK around about them from other members. Ask as many people as you need to, and make an informed decision before you play.

Make sure you can trust the submissive/bottom/rope bunny/masochist etc, that you are engaging with. If you aren’t sure, ASK around about them from other members. Ask as many people as you need to, and make an informed decision before you play.
Yes, the above goes BOTH ways. There are just as many nutty bottom/submissive types as there are domineering asshole Dominant/Top types

USE Red and Amber/Yellow as safewords. This is the control you have to communicate or end the scene if things are getting uncomfortable or unsafe.
Once you have negotiated a scene, DO NOT re-negotiate it mid scene!! And if one party wants to do this, USE RED. ((I will explain this at the end of this list))

Remember that when you engage, there is a power exchange for a short period. If you are the Dominant/Top/Rigger/Sadist etc, take responsibility for the person that trusts you. If you are the submissive/botton/rope bunny/masochist etc, this does not mean you have to just comply with the other person. EVER.

If you have a niggle that something is a bad idea, DON'T DO IT. Wait. Ask around. Learn more. You don't have to do everything you wanted to do, all at once.
What’s the problem with ‘re-negotiating’, mid scene?

So let’s imagine that you are at a party and drinking, not just one or two, but you are heavily intoxicated. And someone comes up to you and propositions you – are you able to think with a clear mind and make a decision that means when you wake up in the morning, you won’t regret it?

Kink isn’t really that different, when a submissive/bottom/rope bunny/masochist etc, goes into a sub space, or any space at all that isn’t their normal coherent self, you are asking them to make a decision while under the influence of their bodies chemicals and hormones running in over drive, and they

CANNOT make an informed decision about what could change in the scene. While it might be okay for people that have been in a long term power exchange to be able to change the rules mid scene, there is an element of trust and an element of knowing one another well enough to make that judgement call. But as a NEW PERSON, please stick with what is negotiated in the first place, because otherwise, really…it’s assault.

It’s a chargeable offense.

It’s illegal.

It’s disrespectful.

It’s predatory, it’s just fucking wrong.

And honestly, some people go into that space, just watching someone else, or the moment that first flogger hits them, or the rope is brought out and laid on their skin, or they kneel at another’s feet. It really doesn’t matter if it’s been 1 second or 10 minutes, don’t assume that you can get an honest informed consent to do ANYTHING other than what was negotiated in the first place.

To do so, is to violate the other person and take advantage of them. And frankly, age aside, it will and does make you a sexual predator, whether you meant it like that or not.

Does consent just apply to a scene?

No.

It applies to privacy.

It applies to conversations.

It applies to photography - both private and professional from ALL Parties (Public images should be credited and permission obtained from all parties in the image before posting, and private images should be kept private, if you aren’t sure, don’t let someone take a photo at all. And be prepared that if that photo got out in the public eye, would you be okay with it)

It applies to relationships.

It applies to aftercare and not taking advantage when someone is in that space either. And again, for ALL parties, not just the submissive/bottom/rope bunny/masochist etc, types.

It applies at events

It applies at munches

It applies between friends

It applies to sexual acts

It applies to non sexual acts.

At the end of the day, consent needs to exist. As do boundaries and limits.
Stick to them. No matter what title you wear in this realm, and out of this realm. Never compromise your consent, and if you feel like its being violated…IT IS NOT OKAY.

Consent is paramount between people, in the community and as a part of BDSM. Even in Consensual Non Consent scenes, CONSENT is obtained and NEGOTIATION is discussed at length to make sure the scene is as low risk as possible for EVERYONE.

I think I violated consent, now what?

Own it. For fucks sake, go and ask the person, but don't pull title or try to convince them of your side of it.

ASK THEM IF THEY PERCEIVE THAT THEIR CONSENT WAS BREACHED!!!

And if it was, own it. Apologise for it. Debrief with them, or direct them to someone who can help ease their mind. We ALL make mistakes, once or twice. But people will know when it is a pattern and it's not just a once off mistake. Don't think that people won't notice.

Just because you may be new (Top or bottom), doesn't mean you can't be well informed. There is google, there is ***, there is experienced people online that you can reach out to, there are articles, there is lots of information out there. Ask questions, be curious, learn more, go slow, don't rush the experience or follow your hormones, trust your gut instinct.

Consent is SEXY.

Play safe. Play with consent.

''EternalAngel''

 

101 to Consent